Wow.

okay you know what really gets me?
there's this like..7th grade kid.
and i swear he has a different girlfriend every week.
and his name on msn is always like
"Alex loves Mackenzie"
or "Alex loes Raven" .
okay well this week it's "omgosh i hate my life".
and do you know why?
because he doesnt have a girlfriend!
dude.
he's in 7th grade.
for real. he had a girlfriend yesterday.
and that relationship seriously lasted for three days.
what does this say?

it says society tells us that in order to be happy, we must be in a relationship.
society is insane.
society tells us that we have to be a size 2 to be beautiful.
society tells us that being in open sexual relationships is normal.
society tells us it's normal for teen boys to look at porn.
society tells us that starving yourself is a good idea.
society tells us that if we are Christians, we aren't allowed to have fun.
society tells us that "having fun" is drinking, sex, and drugs.
society tells us that guys have to be macho and not care and not show feelings.


let me tell you. society is wrong.
*YOU determine your own happiness. you cannot depend on others for your happiness because everyone will let you down at one point or anothr.
*clothing sizes dont determine your beauty. you can be a size two hundred and be gorgeous. your personality. who you are. that determines your beauty.
*open relationships are NOT normal. it should NOT be acceptable. casual sex isnt normal. can you say "STD"?
*porn is sinful. yes, it is part of male nature to be curious and want to know the anatomy of females. but porn is not the way to learn. you have to learn to control that.
*starving yourself is stupid. i'm sorry but i'm not a size two and will never be that way. and im NOT starving myself to be that thin. DONT TRY TO FIT ME INTO YOUR IDEA OF BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE WITH THESE CURVES I WILL NOT FIT.
*Christians have an amazing amount of fun. Youth groups are amazing. we're stupid. we pull stunts. but we do that without the extra "accessories".
*fun doesnt have to consist of sex, drugs, and alcohol. those of us that dont do those have just as much fun as those who do. and we dont get screwed over [figuratively speaking] afterwards.
*showing emotions and feelings is human. personally, i'd rather have a boyfriend that DID show emotion and some vulnerability than one who showed nothing....


VENT is over.

My mind.

Lately my mind has been a complex thing.
Scrambled up and broken.

It's been almost three weeks since Pap has been gone.
It's been just over a year since I've last seen Kayla and almost a year since she passed away.
It's been almost three years since Jordan moved to Florida.

I'm so confused. I'm being pressured so much lately. It's sometimes SO hard to live for God these days.

I met someone. They make me smile. We have the same interests. We talk a lot. They are so easy to talk to.
But I think I'm coming on too strong.
How do you know if you're coming on too strong?
I don't know.
It's almost like I'm waiting for a big neon flashing light to come in front of my eyes and tell me to back off.
But this situation is so confusing.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
...

I'm not in Much of a Christmas mood this year. Today, we went to get our Christmas tree. and the whole time I was thinking how I just wanted to be home. I have no desire to celebrate Christmas this year.....

I need to find a youth group to attend on Wednesday evenings. I mean I go to TWO on Sunday nights. Mine & Extreme Fire. But I'm not spiritually satisfied. I don't know what I'm looking for and I don't know where I'm going to find it. All I know is that I need it. I've been asking around and am trying to find a nice one to go to..
Prayer. is amazing. Try it some time. It basically gets me through each hour lately.